Huni u made me sad... now I'm worried about ur health... hiks
But I'm glad u told me... unlike last time when u got sick n u didnt tell me until much later.
Which made me remember that that was the time that I realized how much you mean to me... I never thought that I would be so scared of losing someone (I'm not even scared of losing my parents... not that scared... losing my mom is much scarier than losing my dad, of course)... but that moment, I realized that if u were gone from my life, I would be devastated... I would have regrets... and so I began by promising myself to always let you know how much I love you, no matter how bad it is... no matter how mad we are at each other...
and so I began to open up completely n became "vulnerable"... cuz when u completely let someone in, it's a BIG risk... I could lose it all and probably never recover... that's why so many people prefer to just open up a part of themselves, but never the whole...
But by letting myself be vulnerable, I've come to love more n more... and isn't that what life is all about? I live my life more passionately and appreciate things more...
I read in the book today that "committment when it comes to love is to just love like your relationship is never gonna end... quitting is not an option." And then I realized that most of married couples don't even have that mentality... at the back of their minds, there's always "we can always get a divorce" mentality...
I'm not engaged or anything, but yet, I don't have that mentality anymore... I used to, but not anymore... like it says, quitting is not an option.
when u were so mad at me early Dec, I was so shocked to read ur sms (I still keep it, by the way)... u wanted to end it... I laughed... not so easy! But you still had that mentality, so I was shocked... and yet u were the one who encouraged this commitment thing...
I had 2 choices that moment: 1. to react the same way, with anger and emotion, and just end it all... 2. to sit back n look at the situation, cool down, really think about why I love you, is this love worth fighting for, and just be mature about it.
I chose number 2... I've committed myself to you and there's no going back... I decided to fight for it. and then I vowed to myself, that no matter what happens in the future, whether we're fighting or not, I would not end the day without letting you know how much I love you. I would just not go to bed without text-messaging you or emailing you those 3 words.... or 2 letters (L u)
...and boy was I ever scared that day... u didn't message me until the next day... and even then the message was just short n judes... I thought for sure u were gonna end it all and no matter what I did, u would never change ur mind. I prayed non-stop hahahahaha... I was so scared! When I was at work, I almost burst into tears cuz I couldnt focus and you should have heard the way I snapped at my dad when he kept going on n on about the insurance n other things... I had a mountain of worry in my mind and I just couldnt do nothing right!
n it took u almost 4 days to be able to let me know that u still love me... even though we chatted online a few days after that and things seemed to be fine again, u couldnt type the words hahaha... I was waiting n waiting at the end of our online conversation, but u never did... n even the next week u still could hardly type those words online... eventhough u typed them in sms...
But I said to myself "that's good enough, don't expect too much..." But boy did I ever go to bed empty n sad those 4 days! It was brutal
n then today u asked me what will happen if u were hospitalized n was dying... I was speechless... because I realized that what I'm scared most is losing u... I would give up my life 4 u... I would rather it was me who was hospitalized and dying...
one reason: cuz I just love u that much... 2nd reason: cuz I dont think I'll be able to face the world when u're gone... so in a way, it's a selfish love, huh... I'd rather be the one dead than to lose someone I love... someone I've learned to love unconditionally...
Mom used to frighten us all the time whenever we were bad, saying that she'd die soon and we'll all be happy then... and I would cry n cry ... n then years later, I've come to accept that soon they will die and somehow it doesnt make me so sad anymore... I love my parents, I'd rather they live than die... but I've accepted the fact that they will be gone one day.
But I havent accepted the fact that u too will be gone one day... maybe cuz I havent yet had the chance to build my life with u... havent yet spent more than a week with u... so I'll have regrets if u're gonna be gone so quickly. so that's why when u called me after u had that accident in the parking lot, I was so sad... cuz u said u'd rather just die n end all this crap... I was sad cuz u were just so selfish... u dont even think about GG who would be devastated if she loses u... apalagi mikirin gw... n I got to thinking, geez... if something really does happen, how would we let each other know? we're so far away... when u're in ur ngasal/BT mood, u really don't care about anything or anyone u might hurt...
But all that doesnt mean that if u have a terminal illness or a really bad illness that u shouldnt tell me... u have to tell me, no matter how hard it is to tell me!
Sometimes I think that I was better off never knowing you... maybe I wouldnt have experienced extreme sadness...but then I wouldnt have experienced extreme happiness either... I wouldnt learn as much... I would probably be bitter forever... like in the movie "the mirror has two faces", Why then, do people keep falling in love, when love devastates us? Because while it lasts, it's fucking good hahaha... something like that.
So now, I'm gonna sleep my worries off because there's nothing I can do about your health... I can take the best care of myself... and like in the Christmas card I sent you, if I could do it all over again, I would fall for you all over again.... why? cuz it's f-in beautiful ^.^
ur greatest fan EVER ^.~
Monyet
