I'm sorry too

Kenapa harus selalu gw yg ngertiin elo? That's what I've been doing for everyone... trying to always understand other people... what about my own feelings? It looks like I need a break from trying so hard to understand other people... I'm like a slave to everyone! Screw it!

Kenapa harus selalu gw yg ngertiin elo? krn lo obsessed ke gw? krn elo udah selesai kerja n punya waktu buat chat sedangkan gw baru mau mulai hr gw? krn lo gak bisa tidur?

Lo tau gak, u give the impression kalo gw tuh mesti sediain semua waktu kosong gw buat elo aja, and I'm not even supposed to have my own life... that it's wrong for me to have time for myself n my frens...

As time goes by, u're becoming less n less of the person I used to know... the J I knew is fading away... the J that I fell for... this is exactly what happened with all my past relationships... obsession, unhealthy feelings, possessive... sensitive... u name it...
It's like I know u less n less, despite the fact that u're more open to me than ever... u're like someone else...

All I'm hearing is "I miss u", "I Luv u" etc... kayak lo tuh gak mikirin yg laen2 lagi getu... Ini yg bikin gw sedih... trus bales sms yg isinya "gw gak marah, gw sedih" tambah kayak ditusuk2 dah...

Lo pikir gw gak sedih?Gw salah krn gw gak pernah laporan ke elo ttg hal2 yg gw sacrifice buat "ketemu" elo... cuman krn gw gak expressive n gak open ttg feelings gw thru words bukan berarti gw gak punya feelings, J... Cuman krn gw gak pernah bilang kalo gw tuh sediain waktu buat elo... sampe essay gw gak selesai2, kurang tidur, semua keteteran gara2 maunya chat ama elo aja... ini emang gw gak pernah bilang, krn gw gak nyalahin elo n gw gak mau lo merasa disalahin... I take responsibility for my own actions and my choices... I'm in control of my own life and actions... Lo gak tau kan kalo td tuh pas gw matiin cam itu krn gw nangis? Because u don't realize all the things that I'd done... lo anggepnya lo aja yg sacrifice ur time just for me, dll... lo fokusnya ke elo elo n elo... I have a life too, a life outside of US... gw td nangis krn gw kesel bgt n sedih. Elo masih not over the other day when I was talking to Andrew n Daniel... lo masih BT soal itu...

Jadi lo maunya gw gimana? Lo mau gw boong setiap temen gw ol n perlu ngomong, atau setiap temen gw telp, n gw bilangnya ke elo "gw pergi dulu J, later" atau "brb" tanpa penjelasan? Lo mau gw sacrifice semua temen2 n urusan2 gw demi chat ama elo? Itu gila! Itu obsession! Ngapain hidup sekalian... Jd gw tuh cuman hidup in one world getu? gak bisa, J... n gak sehat begitu...

Di gw tuh siang, J... di elo udah malem... Coba aja bayangin kalo elo lagi kerja n lo sediain waktu buat gw (gak mungkin sih), chat sama gw... trus lo tinggal2in gw krn lo lagi kerja... trus gw jd sensi, n sakit ati, n the whole deal... konyol gak? BGT! Gw ngerti kalo lo lagi sibuk kerja n gak ada sms, atau email, or whatever... n gw gak marah2 n sensi n sakit ati... krn gw ngerti! Why can't u do the same? Kalo lo lagi sama GG, gw gak ganggu krn gw tau betapa berharganya itu waktu elo with GG... n kalo lo anterin GG pulang agak telat, gw gak sakit ati...gw ngerti! Padahal kalo gw mau childish n nyebelin n jahat, gw udah telponin elo, sms marah2... n ngambek gak mau chat ama elo... lebih gampang gitu drpada berusaha ngertiin situasi elo, tauuu...

Lo sadar gak that the more sappy and mellow u become, the more we fall apart? We hardly ever talk anymore these days... yg ada sensi2 terus... n drama terus, soal kecil jd bahan ribut...

U asked me a few times about how big my love is 4 u... I never answered because I realize that I don't know... I've been doing a lot of thinking... and I don't know the answer to that...

Ur feelings towards me is not healthy, soalnya jd bikin ribut terus n lo jd kayak tai... I tried putting myself in ur position about today... and u know what, kalo gw diposisi elo, gw gak bakalan marah soal hr ini... biasa aja buat gw... lo aja yg magnify the situation, jd tiba2 ribut...

I don't know if what u feel is obsession or what... but it's not good... u have to have a life of your own too... so u don't focus on me 24/7. your life is not healthy... gak heran kalo lo sampe sakit.

I don't know what to do next... gak pernah gw sampe sekesel n sesedih ini ke cowo... I even asked myself today: Is this worth all the pain? Should we continue, or move on instead? Is this worth fighting for? If this is how it's gonna be in the future, then I don't want it! Lebih baik sakit sekarang dprada mesti gini terus menerus n sakit yg lebih dalem n lebih lama...

So... if I thought I was calm before... now my head's thinking so hard... nyetir aja gak konsen td... lecture malah gw sibuk nulis apa yg gw tulis di blog ini...krn lecturenya pas soal relationships n problems n emotions... pas bgt pokoknya...

So I'm goin to work today... I'm not buzzing u cuz I'm not ready to talk 2 u again n feel sad all over again... I just need time for myself, I just need time alone with my thoughts... and thinking of what to do next... I don't know... I'm confused... arrrggghhhh

So yeah... whatever... reply if u want and I'll read it after work...

LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH