SALAHHHHH

Dear diary,

Bener2 jd kacau giniiii... huaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa gak lagi gw nulis blog buru2... dia gak tau what went on in my mind before n after that... I only wrote that to kinda give like a general summary... geez! I hardly remember what I exactly wrote.... n after I read the blog again... oops... I kinda wrote it in a very very bad way!

Today is probably one of the worst ever... gw gak ada maksud utk nyakitin dia sama sekali! He has no idea how I felt... last night I felt sooo sad n lonely... n I was just basically amazed that I could feel that way... so in luv, missing him so badly n wanting to hold him more than anything... oh man... I have never ever felt like that... I wanted to cry... kalo gw sendirian udah nangis meraung2 kale... I laughed harder just to hide the pain...
so while I was sad but amazed at the same time, I compared myself to the old me... gw yg dulu yg gampang crush on guys... yg gak punya "perasaan" yg easy2 going aja... trus gw sempet mikir... kalo gw masih gw yg dulu, yg belon kenal si J gw yakin bgt gw dah fallin ke Jared, walaupun gak serius... udah crush on him lah gitu... n then I look at the me now... gile... 180 derajat laen bgt... mikir utk suka sama cowo laen aja gak bisa... jangankan itu, ngeliat makhluk yg namanya cowo aja tuh gak napsuin... gak tertarik sama sekali... yg diotak gw ya cuman si asshole (yg sekarang lg benci bgt sama gw, I'm sure).

Gw udah bilang... lo salah ngerti! kalo gw udah bilang lo salah ngerti, ya lo stop lah mikir yg gak2... tunggu sampe gw jelasin kekkk...

dan elu dah share rasa fallin in luv .... jadi lo stay dgn gw krn elo udah kenal gw doloan .... tapi ya tetep aja rasa suka , dll nya ke diri gw udah ga pure dan udah di share dgn org lain ...==> WTF? gw share rasa fallin gw? ya gw share ke temen2 gw ttg gw fallin in luv... but I NEVER ever until now (since I've fallen 4 him) shared my love 4 u with/for anyone else! bisa2nya dia nuduh gitu... sakitttttttttt gila... segitu low nya dia pikir gw ini... ouch! gak pure? OMG if only he knew! Far from that actually... he really has no idea... sampe sempet mikir gw... jd selama ini dia tuh buta apa ya? gak bisa liat seberapa gw sayang dia??? Gw mesti gimana lage supaya dia yakin? Apa selama ini gw gak nunjukin kalo gw sayang dia in every way I know possible? Kayaknya gw merasa usaha gw selama ini sia2... dia tetep aja dgn jalan pikirannya yg negatif n panasan n saying things he'll regret...

Gak pernah terlintas dipikiran gw to fall for another guy... NEVER... gak bisa juga... gw juga sempet mikir kemaren, kok bisa ya org serong? Gw shock bgt dituduh2 gini hr ini... shock bener2 shock! Kalo gw pengen nyakitin dia mah ngapain gw sampe nelpon2, ngapain gw sampe sms, nulis blog segala... ngapain juga gw tahan2in LDR gini... I do all this because it's worth it... because I love him... because... too many reasons... he'll never understand I guess...

Gw sedih pas lg becanda2 sama Jared krn kayaknya dia tau gw lg sedih bgt n dia berusaha bikin gw ketawa... gw sayang ke dia spt adek... temen2 gw di rogers tuh udah kayak family gw... gw bisa share feelings gw dgn mereka... bisa minta tolong kalo ada masalah... the bonds that we have are strong n innocent/pure... frenship kita tuh beautiful... gak bakal salah satu dr kita ancurin dgn feelings2 yg macem2... we've discussed this too...

Bisa2nya gw dituduh "serong" walaupun actions nya gak... hati gw aja gak kepikir kesitu... apalagi actions gw... tsssss... sampe nangis gw... buru2 gw tarik nafas dalem2... have to be strong, I kept telling myself... u have to work n smile n be happy... I'm so crazy in luv with him, sampe gak bisa diungkapin with words... but all we've got is words... pfft!

Trus dia tuh yg kalo lg panas tuh suka sembarangan ngomong... say things he'll regret... "gw gak jd ke Canada blablabla", "BYE", etc... buset bisa2nya dia yg claimed his undying love for me tau2 ngomong gitu... dulu waktu pertama2 dia yg bilang "jgn kepikiran utk putus, dll... jgn bilang hal2 yg bakal lo seselin, blablabla" nah sekarang dia yg begitu... gw tuh udah lama gak pernah look back, gak pernah lg kepikiran utk putus, atau yg macem2 lage... buat gw, he's the one... gw udah settle dgn pilihan gw kali ini... no looking back, no doubts... jd ya gak pernah kepikiran "kalo putus gimana blablabla" gak pernah lage!

Dia pikir sayang gw gak tulus? Oh God... kok bisa2nya mikir gitu? Gw udah 3000% sure... gak bimbang sedikitpun... gw shock abis dituduh gitu...
Dia tuh marahnya n panasnya kali ini tuh like... nothing else matters but his anger n this misunderstanding... all that we've been thru doesnt matter... pokoknya udah the end... gitu? enak aje... gw dituduh acting segala lage... OMG... bisa2nya... ngapain sih acting2 dlm hal beginian? apa untungnya buat gw? apa??? gak ada! malahan sengsara dah kayaknya yg gw jalanin... gak ada untungnya buat gw pura2 sayang ke dia, dll...

Gw gak nyesel fallin for him, ngejalanin LDR yg susah ini... yg gw sesalin ya cuman satu... kenapa dia gampang bgt sakit hati... n gw nyesel for all the times that I hurt him... walaupun gak pernah niat nyakitin dia sama sekali... utk apa coba??? Kalo gw punya chance utk do it all over again, I think I would do it all over again... I'd go thru it all over again! Because what I have is beautiful... painful but beautiful...

Terakhir pas gw di mobil on my way to work dia bilang di telp that everything is ok... he's hurt but things are ok... trus tiba2 sms bertubi2 yg isinya kayak tai... yg bikin gw nahanin nangis semaleman sambil kerja... Dammit! Kalo dia sakit hati, kenapa dia mau bales nyakitin gw juga dgn kata2nya yg tajem gitu? bukan si J bgt deh yg revenge2 gitu... apalagi sms yg "kalo lo nangis ntar ada yg meluk elo blablabla" gila man... pengen bgt gw teriak saat itu juga "FUCK U!" pengen gw banting hp gw sampe ancur... I wanted to hate him so much for saying that right then... but I can't...

Gw terima semua kata2 tajem dia... but I'm not letting it go... I want to explain... I want things to be ok, if not better... tp kayaknya kali ini dia udah nyesel bgt kenal gw dll... dia udah nyesel bgt dgn apa yg dia jalanin? so this is it then?

Sandi td yg lg down bgt n perlu gw aja gw gak bisa kasih emotional support ke dia krn gw sendiri juga lg rapuh bgt bgt... suara gw sampe hampir gak kedengeran kerja td... Gw benci bgt sama diri gw yg gak bisa ngomong utk ungkapin perasaan gw... yg berbelit2 nulis... jd salah paham yg parah gini... dia selalu salah paham... krn gw yg gak becus jelasin...

Kalo emang kali ini dia "buang" gw krn soal ini, ya apa boleh buat dah... gw kayaknya dah gak ada tenaga lg utk nahan marahnya dia n make things alright again... gw terima aja lah... tp gw swear, gw gak bakalan lg put my already broken heart at risk... gak bakal lg gw suka sama cowo... it's just impossible... gak bakal falling ke cowo...ever again... gak tau gw jd lesbong atau apa dah... jd nun aja atau mengungsi kemana dah... tau... I can't n won't ever love again, not like I love him... too painful! Sedihhhhh... sedihhhh bgt... dituduh gw gak serius, bimbang lah, dll... justru sebaliknya malahan apa yg gw rasain ini...

Padahal pas juga kemaren Ivonne tanya "can u put it in one sentence... about what it feels like to be in luv?" trus gw jawab "well, for me, it's like there's no one I'd rather be with than him, n nothing else matters for me"

I'll do anything to make it right again... I felt like if I could, I'd have run away just to be with him... leave it all behind n just follow my feelings... n I'll do anything to take all his pain away... is is too late already? I hope not... I just hope that he reads this heart-pouring diary... if he still cares... I don't know... I'm just so drained... so tired... just wanna sleep n never wake up ever again...


I'm running out of words to convince him that it's not like what he thinks... that I'm not low as he thinks I am... that I'm not a bitch... that I never want to hurt him... that I'm worthy of his love... that I'm lucky to have him in my life... that I need him in my life... that my life is empty without him... that... that... I'm sorry for everything... he probably doesn't believe me anyway... but it doesnt matter... what matters is that this is real... no faking, no acting... n that I love him very very very very much... that it's underscribeable... beyond words... n if this doesn't make it alright again, then there's nothing more I can do... I tried...

impian gw ilang ... blank .... yg ada cuman sakit .. sakit yg dalem banget ...
ga pernah sangka .........==> Oh God... is it too late? God pleaseeeeeeee is it too late to fix things?