L u 2
Kemaren kerja gileeeee... gw tuh nahan2 nangis gitu... rasanya downnn bgt... suara gw aja gemeteran gitu, jd gw pelanin bgt biar gak ada yg nanya2... trus paksain senyum... susahhh bgt... gw yg biasanya gampang bgt senyum2 dll... trus pas si Rhob udah pulang, tinggal si Steve n gw, tambah BT lagi... mana si Marina lupa kalo dia masuk jam 6 lage... jd gw telp, dia dtg telat... trus pas Steve udah pulang, gw tanya Marina kenapa matanya sembab n kantongnya item gitu... trus jawabnya "biasa, gak bisa tidur blablabla" trus pas dia tanya "so how r u?" bibir gw tiba2 gemeteran n air mata gw turun...untung gak ada customer... phew...
mungkin krn gw tau dia ngerti apa yg gw rasain... jd rasanya enakan bgt abis nangis itu... trus gw explained ke dia... gw tuh ngerasa down bgt, rasanya kayak gak ada enegeri utk ngapa2in, gak ada motivasi buat ngelakuin hal2 yg gw biasanya enjoy bgt... trus rasanya like everything in my life just goes wrong gitu... like the whole world is against me. I lost faith in myself n in what I'm capable of doing, jd negative thinking all the time, worry yg gak2... pengennya nangissss mulu n ngurung diri... pengen mampus, i can't do nothing right... dll ngeliat makanan rasanya mau muntah... ngerasa eneg setiap saat... tidur aja susah... tambah lg cuaca panas gini...akhirnya kemaren nyala AC... bisa tidur juga gw malem2... I cried myself to sleep...
trus si marina bilang "well, welcome to my world! that is exactly how I feel every day! but yours is nothing though, I've been like this every day for a few years!" Gileeee... if depressed people are like that, then they must be very strong... then I realized that they're the strong ones... and I'm weak compared to them... I thought that I was strong n everything, but what I'm going thru is nothing compared to what they go thru each day of their lives! OMG... n gw baru begini 2 mingguan kali... rasanya dah gak tahan begini terus... well, there's always a first time for everything I guess
Trus Marina bilang, cicinya yg kuliah di McMaster University pernah plagiarize beberapa kali... cuman dikasih warning... n gw gak plagiarize aja paniknya sampe segini! dia bilang, kan gw have perfect record, gak pernah ada masalah sebelonnya dll... jd gw tenang aja blablabla... tp ini u of T... n tenang dikit sih, tp negative thinking nya tetep jalan terushhh... it's killing me!
n bukan soal ini sih, soal ini yg top it off... just made things 10 times worse... rasanya tuh every aspect of my life gak ada yg beres. family gw lg diem2an, nyokap lg banyak masalah tp setiap gw tanya dia gak mau jawab, sama bokap jarang ketemu, cuman pagi2 10 menitan kali... malem2 gw kerja, trus Dita buawelll bgt yg akhir2 ini gw gak bisa handle bawelnya dia... yg bikin gw stress aja... dia kan anaknya gak pernah puas, selalu complain, jd gw lg eneg bgt sama complaints dia... trus Adam, spt biasa, jarang ngomong...malahan udah 2 minggu kali gw gak ngomong sama Adam... trus gardening aja ogah bgt gitu, keluar rumah jd males bgt... maunya tidur2an n do nothing...tp tambah parah, krn jd kebanyakan mikir n jd tambah gede aja masalah2 gw... trus elo jauh di NL... hopeless bgt rasanya... berat bgt rasanya ngejalanin semuanya ini...
biasanya org2 dtg ke gw dgn masalah2 mereka..n I have to be strong no matter what, because they believe in me n I can't let them down... gw harus strong always, krn kalo gw down/jatoh, mereka bakal kecewa n bakal tambah down juga jdnya, krn mereka gak bisa count on me anymore. so when it comes time for me to ask for help, I have nobody... because everybody I know have problems n gw gak mau ngebebanin mereka... I can't tell my parents because they think the world of me... they see me as the perfect child who can handle everything and that I don't need anybody... and I have to keep it that way, because they have enough problems of their own... jd rasanya tuh beban semua org tuh menumpuk di diri gw n beban gw sendiri gak bisa gw buang... jd sumpekkk bgt rasanya... rasanya gw mau melarikan diri kemana gitu... where there are nobody n no worries... tambah alone rasanya tambah down sekarang ini... I need good company, like Sandi... Fifi rasanya semakin jauhhhh... Sandi jd temen gw yg paling deket saat ini, krn dia positive n dia lebih ngertiin gw, dia lebih tau gw yg sebenernya... Fifi look up to me like I'm her big sister, someone she can count on when she's in need... so I have to be strong for her... otherwise she has nobody to turn to. Sandi is a great listener and she can always make ur world brighter somehow... I'm glad I got to know her...
I think u're right, I need some space... to think things over n to find out what I want in life, etc... tambah lg pressure of finding a job in my field... Rogers udah gak ada challenge bgt... gw cuman stick around because they need me n because they give me the shifts that I want, n I can take days off if I need to study etc... semester depan gw dah mesti mulai nyari2 kerja... n rasanya stress bgt... gak tau mau mulai dr mana... tdnya gw gak pernah kawatir krn masih jauh...tp gw selesai kuliah in 1.5 yrs... n rasanya semakin deket tuh semakin stress aja gw...
thx for still being there for me even when I treat u bad... hehehe... sorry
Ok hun, mesti anterin dita piano lesson... ttyl... luv ya...
mungkin krn gw tau dia ngerti apa yg gw rasain... jd rasanya enakan bgt abis nangis itu... trus gw explained ke dia... gw tuh ngerasa down bgt, rasanya kayak gak ada enegeri utk ngapa2in, gak ada motivasi buat ngelakuin hal2 yg gw biasanya enjoy bgt... trus rasanya like everything in my life just goes wrong gitu... like the whole world is against me. I lost faith in myself n in what I'm capable of doing, jd negative thinking all the time, worry yg gak2... pengennya nangissss mulu n ngurung diri... pengen mampus, i can't do nothing right... dll ngeliat makanan rasanya mau muntah... ngerasa eneg setiap saat... tidur aja susah... tambah lg cuaca panas gini...akhirnya kemaren nyala AC... bisa tidur juga gw malem2... I cried myself to sleep...
trus si marina bilang "well, welcome to my world! that is exactly how I feel every day! but yours is nothing though, I've been like this every day for a few years!" Gileeee... if depressed people are like that, then they must be very strong... then I realized that they're the strong ones... and I'm weak compared to them... I thought that I was strong n everything, but what I'm going thru is nothing compared to what they go thru each day of their lives! OMG... n gw baru begini 2 mingguan kali... rasanya dah gak tahan begini terus... well, there's always a first time for everything I guess
Trus Marina bilang, cicinya yg kuliah di McMaster University pernah plagiarize beberapa kali... cuman dikasih warning... n gw gak plagiarize aja paniknya sampe segini! dia bilang, kan gw have perfect record, gak pernah ada masalah sebelonnya dll... jd gw tenang aja blablabla... tp ini u of T... n tenang dikit sih, tp negative thinking nya tetep jalan terushhh... it's killing me!
n bukan soal ini sih, soal ini yg top it off... just made things 10 times worse... rasanya tuh every aspect of my life gak ada yg beres. family gw lg diem2an, nyokap lg banyak masalah tp setiap gw tanya dia gak mau jawab, sama bokap jarang ketemu, cuman pagi2 10 menitan kali... malem2 gw kerja, trus Dita buawelll bgt yg akhir2 ini gw gak bisa handle bawelnya dia... yg bikin gw stress aja... dia kan anaknya gak pernah puas, selalu complain, jd gw lg eneg bgt sama complaints dia... trus Adam, spt biasa, jarang ngomong...malahan udah 2 minggu kali gw gak ngomong sama Adam... trus gardening aja ogah bgt gitu, keluar rumah jd males bgt... maunya tidur2an n do nothing...tp tambah parah, krn jd kebanyakan mikir n jd tambah gede aja masalah2 gw... trus elo jauh di NL... hopeless bgt rasanya... berat bgt rasanya ngejalanin semuanya ini...
biasanya org2 dtg ke gw dgn masalah2 mereka..n I have to be strong no matter what, because they believe in me n I can't let them down... gw harus strong always, krn kalo gw down/jatoh, mereka bakal kecewa n bakal tambah down juga jdnya, krn mereka gak bisa count on me anymore. so when it comes time for me to ask for help, I have nobody... because everybody I know have problems n gw gak mau ngebebanin mereka... I can't tell my parents because they think the world of me... they see me as the perfect child who can handle everything and that I don't need anybody... and I have to keep it that way, because they have enough problems of their own... jd rasanya tuh beban semua org tuh menumpuk di diri gw n beban gw sendiri gak bisa gw buang... jd sumpekkk bgt rasanya... rasanya gw mau melarikan diri kemana gitu... where there are nobody n no worries... tambah alone rasanya tambah down sekarang ini... I need good company, like Sandi... Fifi rasanya semakin jauhhhh... Sandi jd temen gw yg paling deket saat ini, krn dia positive n dia lebih ngertiin gw, dia lebih tau gw yg sebenernya... Fifi look up to me like I'm her big sister, someone she can count on when she's in need... so I have to be strong for her... otherwise she has nobody to turn to. Sandi is a great listener and she can always make ur world brighter somehow... I'm glad I got to know her...
I think u're right, I need some space... to think things over n to find out what I want in life, etc... tambah lg pressure of finding a job in my field... Rogers udah gak ada challenge bgt... gw cuman stick around because they need me n because they give me the shifts that I want, n I can take days off if I need to study etc... semester depan gw dah mesti mulai nyari2 kerja... n rasanya stress bgt... gak tau mau mulai dr mana... tdnya gw gak pernah kawatir krn masih jauh...tp gw selesai kuliah in 1.5 yrs... n rasanya semakin deket tuh semakin stress aja gw...
thx for still being there for me even when I treat u bad... hehehe... sorry
Ok hun, mesti anterin dita piano lesson... ttyl... luv ya...
posted by si Monyet at Wednesday, July 13, 2005
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