......
Dear diary,
I've calmed down... I've done a lot of thinking... I could have made a harsh decision and call this whole thing off... but I didn't... not because I couldn't or because I've made a commitment and I should have stuck with it no matter what (kayak udah married aja ih)... but because I didn't want to... I still love him... even after all this! That's what makes it even more painful, actually... I used to be able to call it off after the slightest incident (not even an incident)... but I never thought about something as much as I thought about this my whole life!
The thought of him not being there in my life hurt me and scared me... I've known him for over a year now...and I've grown used to the idea of us together (for 7 months now...not that I'm counting...I just counted now)... I thought that if we can't get thru this, then what we've had all this time was all a lie...
I watched Nip/Tuck... very very mind-opening... it truly is the perfect drama... Real problems... much bigger problems... like wife cheated on her husband, n then the husband got mad and took revenge by cheating with a prostitute... Oh man! People with real self-esteem issues... blablabla...
I tried picturing my life without him, and I don't like the picture... *sigh*... I know I wouldn't be able to love anyone again as much as I love him... I've opened up my heart and there's no going back... Last year I still could cuz my heart was pretty much still closed... but I've opened up so much... and that's the reason I got so hurt... u can only get hurt after u opened up n trusted someone with ur whole life... with the whole of u... though he still couldn't see what the big deal was... *sigh*
I've forgiven him, but I won't forget... funny how on Friday, I thought I would never be able to forgive him... but now I have... dammit! Always like that... since I was a kid, Adam would get me soooo mad and I would cry and cry and my parents got so upset with him and forced him to apologize... but even before he apologized, I would have forgiven him. That must be unconditional love... u can't just find that anywhere... same things with my frens... I would get so upset, but then I'd forgiven them the next day... I'm so weak sometimes I hate it... but it feels good to forgive (and be forgiven)... it tooks off tonnes of the weights on ur shoulders... and u feel like a new person...
So after watching Nip/Tuck, I realized that this wasn't so big after all... it wasn't like he cheated on me or I cheated on him... he remembered my b'day, just forgot the date... it's really really bad... but at least it was only 2 days off... *sigh* anybody can tell I'm trying to calm down n reason huh... we still love each other... and I think that our love is worth fighting for... but I don't know what he thinks... I think he called it quits last time we "talked".
Yesterday after my b'day lunch, Fiona, Dita, n I went downtown to see the festival... last day too... there were magicians, acrobats, etc... Dita n Fifi tried the unicycle... I unfortunately had to be the one holding their hands! Both of them twisted my wrists! I got so scared for them... it was damn scary! N then we just walked n walked... for like...3 hrs... n then went back by subway... met my old fren Kristal... has 2 kids now... she looked great... we were soooo tired! But it turned out that on Sundays (family days), there weren't many perverts out there... hahaha...the subway was pretty much empty or filled up with kids n their parents... it was quite enjoyable!
My "party" was really good... everyone was shoving up their mouths with food... mom's such a good cook that people took the food home hahaha... Fifi's dad was glued to one end of the table, eating with cups (after having cocktails for dessert, he decided to eat some more balado, but too lazy to get up n get a plate)
One thing I realized... after this incident... kalo soal making someone feel special (by remembering their correct b'date, for example), I'm DA MAN! yeahhh! hahaha... ya kalo gak yakin ya tanya lah! susah amat sih kayaknye... ampun2 dah...
Now I have to sleep, cuz I'm goin jogging with Dita tomorrow morning... she's gonna be on her bike while I'm gonna be running... yay...fun fun fun... uh oh...looks like my internet is acting up again... Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo
I've calmed down... I've done a lot of thinking... I could have made a harsh decision and call this whole thing off... but I didn't... not because I couldn't or because I've made a commitment and I should have stuck with it no matter what (kayak udah married aja ih)... but because I didn't want to... I still love him... even after all this! That's what makes it even more painful, actually... I used to be able to call it off after the slightest incident (not even an incident)... but I never thought about something as much as I thought about this my whole life!
The thought of him not being there in my life hurt me and scared me... I've known him for over a year now...and I've grown used to the idea of us together (for 7 months now...not that I'm counting...I just counted now)... I thought that if we can't get thru this, then what we've had all this time was all a lie...
I watched Nip/Tuck... very very mind-opening... it truly is the perfect drama... Real problems... much bigger problems... like wife cheated on her husband, n then the husband got mad and took revenge by cheating with a prostitute... Oh man! People with real self-esteem issues... blablabla...
I tried picturing my life without him, and I don't like the picture... *sigh*... I know I wouldn't be able to love anyone again as much as I love him... I've opened up my heart and there's no going back... Last year I still could cuz my heart was pretty much still closed... but I've opened up so much... and that's the reason I got so hurt... u can only get hurt after u opened up n trusted someone with ur whole life... with the whole of u... though he still couldn't see what the big deal was... *sigh*
I've forgiven him, but I won't forget... funny how on Friday, I thought I would never be able to forgive him... but now I have... dammit! Always like that... since I was a kid, Adam would get me soooo mad and I would cry and cry and my parents got so upset with him and forced him to apologize... but even before he apologized, I would have forgiven him. That must be unconditional love... u can't just find that anywhere... same things with my frens... I would get so upset, but then I'd forgiven them the next day... I'm so weak sometimes I hate it... but it feels good to forgive (and be forgiven)... it tooks off tonnes of the weights on ur shoulders... and u feel like a new person...
So after watching Nip/Tuck, I realized that this wasn't so big after all... it wasn't like he cheated on me or I cheated on him... he remembered my b'day, just forgot the date... it's really really bad... but at least it was only 2 days off... *sigh* anybody can tell I'm trying to calm down n reason huh... we still love each other... and I think that our love is worth fighting for... but I don't know what he thinks... I think he called it quits last time we "talked".
Yesterday after my b'day lunch, Fiona, Dita, n I went downtown to see the festival... last day too... there were magicians, acrobats, etc... Dita n Fifi tried the unicycle... I unfortunately had to be the one holding their hands! Both of them twisted my wrists! I got so scared for them... it was damn scary! N then we just walked n walked... for like...3 hrs... n then went back by subway... met my old fren Kristal... has 2 kids now... she looked great... we were soooo tired! But it turned out that on Sundays (family days), there weren't many perverts out there... hahaha...the subway was pretty much empty or filled up with kids n their parents... it was quite enjoyable!
My "party" was really good... everyone was shoving up their mouths with food... mom's such a good cook that people took the food home hahaha... Fifi's dad was glued to one end of the table, eating with cups (after having cocktails for dessert, he decided to eat some more balado, but too lazy to get up n get a plate)
One thing I realized... after this incident... kalo soal making someone feel special (by remembering their correct b'date, for example), I'm DA MAN! yeahhh! hahaha... ya kalo gak yakin ya tanya lah! susah amat sih kayaknye... ampun2 dah...
Now I have to sleep, cuz I'm goin jogging with Dita tomorrow morning... she's gonna be on her bike while I'm gonna be running... yay...fun fun fun... uh oh...looks like my internet is acting up again... Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo
posted by si Monyet at Monday, August 29, 2005
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