Loving you

You said that I'm still holding back... if only you knew how much I'm NOT holding back now that I've met you. I used to hold EVERYTHING back... I found the answers today... because I tried to find reasons why I should love a guy... "forcing" myself to love them because they have the qualities that a "perfect" man should have. So I hold everything back, because I was never sure of my feelings, it just never felt right. Something was missing... what was it? Oh yes, true love was missing.

With you, from the beginning, I tried to find reasons why I should NOT go further with you... being friends was all I wanted. But the more I know you, the more I saw what nobody else did and never will... a soul so deep and beautiful, simple and pure... capable of truly loving if given the chance...

I saw the real you... the you behind those many masks you wore... the 'you' you were trying to hide to avoid more pain and heartache... I've known the real you from our first long chat session. I guess I was curious at first... of why I get along with you so well from the start... why our connection was so strong. I never encountered nobody like you and never will again. I never could express my dream guy, what I want in a guy... I've only known what I DON'T want in a guy... until you came along and put ticks on every single boxes of the invisible criteria of "my dream guy"... the criteria I never even thought of, let alone put in words. I began imagining what it was like to spend the rest of my life with you. I got discouraged many many times... cuz I'm here and you're there, cuz of GG and how life can be so complicated if your ex was back in the picture... evil as she is. I've known of too many bad divorce experiences... the dispute goes on and on for years and torture both parties and the children involved. But I never really gave up hope... I was hoping that this one wouldn't be like all the others. Only time will tell. I'm taking a chance... I'm taking a huge risk... you see, I think ahead... much much more than you thought I do... it's true when I say I think all the time. There are many things that I keep to myself... if only you knew what goes on in my head... you'll be amazed.

Tried imagining what the future was like with you in it... and I liked the idea. Everyday the picture seemed clearer and brighter... I can see us growing old together... arguing like crazy, angry at each other... and then make up...
Suddenly it was like... I was hit hard... tried denying it... the hell I went thru. It was like I found my other half in you... the other half I dream of finding... the other half that completes the puzzle.

Love needs no reason... and it's true... for if it needs reasons, then we'll fall apart. There are many reasons why I should not fall in love with you... Age difference... the countless number of times you made me cry... the countless number of times you made me hate you only to realize that I love you even more... the number of times you made me swallow my pride... the number of times you made me worry... the many times you made me wait impatiently... the many times you took it out on me... the many times you made me feel guilty... The many times you hurt me though I know u never meant it... I can go on and on... Sappy songs affect me badly... even more badly romantic movies... Oh boy...

But despite all that, I still love you. Why? I don't know... that's the mystery of love, I guess. I'm sure it's the same with you... Maybe it was because you made me see the real me... you know how to handle me... you made the real me not afraid to come out. The safety I feel when I'm with you, how comfortable I am with you... how nothing else matters when we're together... how I almost don't care what people think when I'm with you... how I can be myself, simply... cuz you let me be.

You can always be yourself when you're with me, and you know that... people wondered how I put up with your asshole-ness in the beginning... even now... and I was surprised at how well and easily I explained it to them. Hell, I was surprised at how much I understand you and how I stretch my limits for you... how patient and tolerant I am with you.

Loving you has made me realize that true love is not impossible... even for the cynical me. You made me able to hope again... to taste what it's like to love and be loved completely. Life seems so much more precious... I have one more reason to live and to get up each morning... To have an idea of what it's like to live thru this life alone... to know what it's like to love someone so badly that you think you can't possibly live without that person... to have an idea of what it's like to go crazy without you... to really be certain that I won't ever love like this again... I put my unbroken heart at risk... and I will never be the same again.


"Just wanna letcha know babe"- 70% by Mathilda... May 16, 2005 9.40 pm

I swear I don't know
I've never been this way
If you know the answer why
Oh please do tell me

Never thought that it'd be this hard
This is so unexpected
Boy I've got it bad
Just let it flow, you say

Easy for you to say
Though I know it's very hard
For the both of us
But we'll get through this

I thought nothing's gonna change
Before I met you
There's nothing I can't control
But I was wrong

I never thought I could feel
Such emotions in me
I'm not the kinda girl
Who falls in love so easily

It's all so clear to me now
There ain't no more doubt
Now I understand
What this mystery is all about

I'm falling in love you see
And it's the kind of love
That makes me breathe
You know I'd let you into my heart

If I knew saying goodbye was gonna be this hard
There are a million things I wish I can change
I learned an important lesson
To appreciate every moment spent with you

I learned to better express myself
To learn to love
Like there's no tomorrow
And to give more of myself

Though you tease me
Everytime I'm sappy
I gather up my courage again and again
And learn to swallow my pride

Next time I'll do better
Next time I'll show more of my love
Next time I'll appreciate it more
If next time arrives

That's the torture of life
Not to know nothing but the present
The future doesn't exist
There's only the here and now

Here and now is all we've got
And so here and now I wanna say
I love you more each day
There's no one else but you

We should all love each other
Like there's no tomorrow
Because there IS NO tomorrow
Easier said than done

So today I'm gonna "pretend"
Like there's no tomorrow
I wish I can be there with you
No words can describe what I'm feeling

I love you in a thousand ways
I miss you like crazy
Much much more than words can say
Every second of the day

So if we never get the chance
To be together again
You'd at least know
How much I love you

I wish you were here,
holding me near
You know I'd go out of my mind
If you ever left my heart behind

I would be there for you baby
In a special kind of way
If I only had the say darling
We'd never be apart

Without you with me
I can’t find no rest
I'll never be the same again
My heart belongs only to you

I’ve tried to go on like I never knew you
I’m awake but my world is half asleep
I pray for this heart to be unbroken
But without you all I’m going to be is incomplete

I'll never ever find someone like you
I promise this is true
You've captured my heart
I'll never find someone like you

Love to love the way that you love me
You're such a part of me i feel, it's real to me
And whatever it might be, as long as you love me
I'll still be in love

Baby, there's one thing you should know
You had me when you said hello
When you held me close
No, i'll never let you go

So today I wanna let you know
That I love you
And I miss you
With all that I am

Remember... that I'm with you... in a special way... may God be with you and help you thru it all. Check ur gmail ^.~

Crazy in luv,
~M~